Being on Both Sides

Reading though my last post in this "journal," I read that I was hoping to be a nurse (LPN) in May. I'm proud to say I'm 6 months into being a nurse! I work in long term care, and care for around 30 patients. I worked both day and night shifts, and found myself loving the night shifts the most! Everyday is an adventure. Older people really just want to talk and have you hold their hands. I love that. Then there are also all those crazy stories.... Such as how I just bought those shoes in the picture, and within 5 minutes someone spit their applesauce-crushed medication all over me and my new shoes --With red-dyed enteric coating nasty all over haha! I've had to ship people to the ER on multiple occasions, and even seen people pass. The best part has been taking care of people who I would check on every 15 minutes I was so worried for their health upon admit (jabbering on about Jesus Pies and how the Bible says I'm going to birth 40 babies and I am blessed if I eat the Jesus Pie...) then coming in a few days later and this person is upright, talking, normal, and ready to be discharged! So cool!!

Austin spent the summer in Casper doing an amazing internship opportunity. He got to do everything from bankruptcy to high-profile (for Wyoming) defense work! I am so proud of him. Though it was hard living apart for the summer, I was working so much and he was working so much... by the time the weekend rolled around it was okay. Plus we got to see his parents quite often considering they housed him! We got to camp in the Big Horns while he was up there for one weekend. Austin really loved the law firm he was with. I got to meet all his coworkers, and we went out to lunch for Austin's little farewell. Not even a week ago they were contacting him to work on a case again haha! I think things are going well for Austin! He's working at the university's domestic violence clinic as one of his rotations. It's weird to think we'll be graduating come May!

School has been.... intense. For Austin it is an easier year and about practical experience. He is so talented at what he does, I swear. For me, third semester is the Big Crazy of them all. On top of everything that is going on with my health, I have the Big Crazy! So far I've been hanging on! Clinicals have to be my favorite. We are on a Medical Surgical floor, and doing rotations to the OR (I do that Monday!), the ICU, the ER, PACU and Pre-Op. It's just all so fascinating, but keeps you on your toes. There is so much you can do with nursing. I'm really trying to keep my mind open. We just covered burns in class, and that chapter is SO highlighted and re-read.... I think I found what I want to do. Burn Trauma Centers are where you deal with most burn victims. It is very specialized and many recommend you do your time in Med-Surg or the ER. Extra licensure is preferred. I think if I choose to pursue, that will be the ultimate career goal capstone. I have always felt drawn to trauma and particularly burn victims. I read a book called "Heaven is Here" about an LDS lady who was burned in a plane crash with her husband. Maybe you've heard of her blog, the NieNie Dialogues. Anyway, it was super fascinating and inspirational to go through her very detailed recovery through faith and her sheer will to live for her family. 

Here's her Mormon Message video and a little bit about her experience. It just reminds me of why I want to do what I do. 

On the other side of things, you might have seen my Facebook post about my current health condition. (Not even close to the above, just wanted to get that out there.)

I have my appointment this Wednesday down in Denver, and I have been so thankful for everyone's support and prayers. I am very hopeful it will go well. My work has been a blessing in my life too. They have allowed me to be a care-planning nurse, and work the floor when I am able. I am learning so much doing care plans and all the behind-the-scenes office work. I am super nervous for this appointment though! I get scared that if this doctor who specializes in neurological movement disorders and the surgery can't help me, no one can.  I am trying my darndest not to go there. It gives me a lot more respect for my patients and a better understanding of the loss that incurs. That's been the hardest part, I never expected the profound sense of loss I have felt. Not to be able to use your arms and hands, left leg, and are constantly clouded in your mind with the pain.

We have something in the nursing diagnoses world called "sensory-perception disturbance." I totally get it. One of my instructors talked about how you can't provide a patient education if they are clouded in pain. Their brain is preoccupied and cannot retain. I have never struggled so much in my life to retain information I study, or focus in class. I get it. I am hoping if anything, this teaches me to be a better care provider. I also understand the depression and body changes. I understand how it can be a complete life-invader. It is a whole different perspective. I'm looking forward to you, Denver!

The things that made me go seek help were:

 1) my body stopped working like it does at baseline. 

2) I actually like to move and exercise... I found myself wishing I could exercise and having time, but wouldn't because of the pain. 

3) I found myself dreading leaving the house to do work or school. I started to hate work and school because I knew it would hurt. Sitting in school, and all the physical activity as a nurse... don't get me started. Doing a task such as setting up an IV was too much to even think about handling. I have to think about each finger, each movement. 

4) I found myself on endless hours never moving from a certain spot on the couch. 

5) I have not slept. I average 3-4 hours a night with a strange float-sleep of constant awareness of my cramping. My condition worsens at night, and it legitimately was turning me insane. When you sleep, you are more aware of your body and what it's doing. 

6) The pain of being constantly spastic and cramped is immense. I vomit sometimes after going up a flight of stairs. There is nothing in this world that can consume your mind and person like pain can. Again, I literally am going insane. 

7) Because of all of this, I feel I have lost my person. 

Someone in my family told me that this would not define me. That's when I decided to be aggressive in seeking help. It is very hard for me to be on the other side. I am learning to ask for help and to be positive! It's hard! Again, I am hoping if anything this will help me to learn more about people in the same situation. 

I thought I would write on this old blog/journal to document this journey because I am very, very hopeful I can turn things around with some help. I find reading other people's experiences helps. Right now I am currently in the bottom of it, so I really am sorry this wasn't something entirely positive, but being real with everyone about my condition will help me to look back on this journey... It's going to be positive from here! It's gonna go up from here, it'll just be a long process!